FIGHT, FLIGHT, FAWN, OR FREEZE: A Place for Pollinators & Me
Summary:
To whoever asked for a “sign” in the form of a Baby Deer in an urban setting, it is hanging out and eating clover in our front yard...
Introduction: a place for me
Part One - Flight
Part Two - Freeze
Part Three - Fawn
Part Four - Fight
Part Five - Heal
Conclusion: a place for pollinators
INTRODUCTION: a place for me
It isn’t trauma dumping if you leave out 90% of the trauma!
Joke Setup: What happens when a Baby Deer, an Intransitive Verb, and a Complex Trauma Response get drinks together at a bar?
Punchline: The gastroenterologist and therapist get involved. —
So many of us are avoiding the work we need to do for the sake of security.
Raise your hand if you have experienced any physical ramifications of neglecting your mental health, but then prioritized financial security over caring for your mental & physical health.
It is easier to stay in a job than it is to quit.
It is easier to form habits that our brain considers safe.
It is easier to ignore how our brains have learned to react to stress.
…until it isn’t.
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Fawning is a trauma response developed by "a person whose fight,
flight & freeze responses have been extinguished, typically over a long period of time."
This person "frequently defaults to a fawn response during stressful circumstances."
Someone fawning “largely bypasses the fight, flight, and freeze responses and instead
learns to fawn [their] way into the relative safety of becoming helpful."
Pete Walker MD—
PART ONE: flight
Did you know your body and brain evolve when exposed to stress?
“Estrogen modulates brain networks and processes related to changes in
stress response, cognition, and emotional dysregulation…
leading to better stress modulation and less cognitive bias toward negative information.”
Albert & Newhouse—
At 22 I learned College doesn’t teach you what to do when your body can’t climb the corporate ladder you set up for yourself. I was working towards my dream job thinking that my stress responses (fawning) were all in order. After 1 fast year of concert production I went to the doctor to find out the stress was physically manifesting into excess extrogen desposits within my reproductive system. I was placed on a medicine to balance my estrogen levels, and got very sad very fast. I eventually gave up on my career goals, my 10-year path,and my dreams.
I composted all the energy I was putting into my career used it to generate an existential crisis. I went from using a color-coded planner to someone who didn’t feel safe setting any goals. I was burdened by nihilism. I started to experience extreme depressive episodes and vivid anxiety attacks. At long last I learned that I didn’t have to rush, I made choices that distracted me from my brain’s consistent fear over having no meaning in life. I was convinced there was nothing I could do to feel differently…until I was ready.
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someone in fawn response experiences “symptoms in which they feel as if the world around them isn’t real, as if their body and actions are not part of them, or as if they are living in a fog.” Dr. Arielle Schwartz
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PART TWO: freeze
Did you know your brain will form habits to protect itself from the negative impacts of stress?
“Trauma Can Either Lead to PTSD or Resilience. Resilience is not a trait that you either have or do not have but a set of strategies that can be learned and practiced.” Center for Resilience Informed Therapy—
At 26 I went to therapy, added boundaries to a few relationships, and found a mix of antidepressants & anxiety medicine that worked to alleviate my symptoms. I loved my job at a travel agency and was living alone for the first time! Then in March 2020 the travel agency had almost no work and I found myself unemployed through the pandemic.
During the pandemic I split my time gardening and identifying how my mental health manifested itself physically. I worked really hard to establish a better outlook on my “purpose” by removing my percieved “value” gained from my sources of income. I learned that there is a long history behind equating my self-worth to my income. At long last I learned the intersectionality colonialism, capitalism, and mental health. I knew the issues living at the root of my career and mental health problems…until they weren’t.
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“When engaging in a fawn response, an individual bypasses their own needs and in some cases, sense of identity, for the sake of attending to the needs of others.” Dr. Arielle Schwartz, PhD
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PART THREE: fawn
Did you know your brain responds to stress by creating a hormone imbalance?
to heal complex ptstd & to undo the habits related to fawning the person undergoes
“a considerable amount of grieving. Typically this entails many tears
about the loss and pain of being so long without healthy self-interest and self-protective skills.
Grieving also tends to unlock healthy anger about a life lived with such a diminished sense of self.”
Pete Walker, M.A —
At 28 I told my doctor I was consistently throwing up; hot water bottles, ginger chews, BRAT diet were not mitigating any puking I was doing. An expensive ultrasound determined my vital organs are healthy; it was anxiety caused by working for the County Clerk that caused my body to reject food. I continued on working equipped with blue nausea bags for when the puking started, I threw up while driving, during lunch, before meetings, before the workday. Eventually I was fired for making a few too many mistakes on meeting minute summary details.
My income was jeopardized but my self-worth had no change! This MUST be healing! None of this was impacted or changed my value as a human being.Sure I was sick, I was angry, and I getting tired of looking for health insurance and new jobs. I did EMDR therapy, my frontal lobe was developed, my Saturn return was taking place, and I vowed to not care about a job more than I care about myself. At long last I learned to how to identify when I was stressed or overwhelmed. I felt confident I could step when stress became too much to handle… until I couldn’t.
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"No one really runs away from anything. It's like a private trap that holds us in like a prison. We're all in our private traps, clamped in them, and none of us can ever get out. We scratch and we claw, but only at the air, only at each other, and for all of it, we never budge an inch." Joseph Stephano
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PART FOUR: fight
Did you know you are going to make yourself sick if you keep this up?
the fawn “learns to become invisible or overly helpful to avoid punishment.
It’s the adult who minimizes their needs in relationships. It's the employee who fears negative consequences and retaliation.
It’s the incarcerated woman who apologizes before speaking her truth in court”
Shreya Mandal JD, LCSW—
At 30 I sat on a call with our leadership team telling the CEO the impacts of his actions were impacting my mental health. I explained the workdays were causing me to to physically deteroiate from anxiety. I was consistently exhasted from shaking, unable to eat, and most importantly I was unable to follow his script for answering the questions our clients, vendors, payroll provider, and most importantly our employees were asking. After almost 10 years away from college I decided I was done with neglecting my gut. I was able to identify how my body was responding to the stress of circumstances, and was better able to advocate for myself and for the needs of the people around me! I was finally healed enough to identify what needed to be done for the good of our team.
What do you do when you don’t know how you will be getting paid? Would you want to be in a place where you could decide what to do? How would a leader guide their team through a traumatic situation?
A leader calmly identifies when and how the collective responds: FIGHT, FLIGHT, FAWN, OR FREEZE.
I knew the last 7 years of work had prepared me for this unhinged workplace moment and I am proud of how I handled every moment of 2025, even if it resulted in an alleged cease and desist in my email 5 minutes after my clients were notified with permission that I was laid off. I did everything I could to protect myself and others…until I couldn’t. I was filled with rage towards a man that paid $250 to silence me in hopes to scare my coworkers and undo the words he had spoken just hours ago. A year has passed, the digital “cease and desist” has expired, and my body has finally stopped shaking when I think of those moments.
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PART FIVE: heal
Did you know every time I lose my job, it happens in the spring?
"Winning in the system that harms, exploits, and undermines you and others will never heal you or fill the emptiness within" Yumi Sakugawa
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At 31 I found myself again unemployed but this time I was in Italy. I learned about agriculture and saw flowers that grow near Mt. Vesuvius. I tried my hardest to not feel guilty or stress about about what to do with my career next while being on the most expensive trip of my lifetime.
I was experiencing the joy and beauty of my honeymoon in Italy while being afraid that some macho men might sue me for defamation. I was learning about Sorrento’s lemons and Aglianico grapes while looking jobs online. I was trying my hardest to enjoy my love and life not find a lawyer. At this point I felt more in control while floating in the Mediterranean than I ever felt within my own career. I was in warm and sunny saltwater and I was not going to let capitalism bring me down. I was going to return home and I would make more decisions that would lead me to live a beautiful life, a utopia built with love that ethically balanced my hedonism, nihilism, and optimism.
I got back from the honeymoon and worried about falling into yet another trap. The tipping point could come at any time given the current political, legal, and employment vulnerability I was under. I found myself feeling exasperated at the thought of someone’s decisions directly ending my career! I didn’t want to run away to throw up in the bathroom anymore; I didn’t want to sacrifice my lunch breaks to appease someone else; I didn’t want to avoid giving the truth to someone; I didn’t wan't to send any more damage control emails save someone the reputation of someone else. I didn’t want to use AI or work for a politician or organization that held views that conflicted my personal ethos I worked so dilligently to define. I wanted a source of income that added to our applied utopia.
I knew I had to make a career decision for myself. I knew I went deep into the garden after I lost each job I held. I worked to develop a brand, messaging, I applied for scholarships, I made timelines, I made content outlines, I made corsages. I shared my idea with a few people and started to hope for the best. I experienced the beauty of summer and the joy of gardening. I created florals for another wedding. I started working towards 2036.
I will be, in every decision I make, working towards beauty…until I feel delight.
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I am actively working to build a beautiful life for myself and for others. I hope you can use these words to bring more love and beauty into your life. Mother Plant—
CONCLUSION: a place for pollinators
Did you know the people will be angry about your garden?
"Being a part of this community encourages us to divorce [PUNK] from internalized capitalism and rely on each other/neighboring villages (mutual aid) to survive.
All while dismantling the typical nihilistic, self-centered status quo of traditional white-washed Punk."
-FLora lucini—
One Saturday in July 2022, a neighbor was yelling at me from across the street as I was working in the garden. Her husband had made a post about me in a Facebook group, and I found out about it and retaliated with chalk art in the driveway. I’ll break it down quickly.
The scene:a post in a neighborhood Facebook group.The post: an image & text containing: the street we lived on, my potentially illegal parking job, and an ominous threat about confronting me over the legality of my landscaping choices.The Photo: the scene of the crimes! our house with street numbers, my car with license plate numbers, & our front yard.The setup: a neighbor knew I wasn't in the facebook group & came over to tell me about the post.The mature adult response: I quickly joined the group & requested to delete the post for violiating community terms & guidelines.The Clapback: "Punks don't snitch" written in large chalk letters at the base of our drivewayThe confrontation: let’s just say that I was far more prepared for this. She didn't know how many times I had interacted with the bands they idolize, and no one could be prepared for how beautifulLy i can handle conflict. She didn't know I was the Subject Matter Expert of handling angry middle-aged woman.The rebuttle: a 28-year-old remaining awesome and way more punk than she could ever dream of being.THe crashout: The Neighbor who posted a picture of my license plate online came outside, yelled at me, saw i had no reaction to his anger, claimed I was listening to teenybopper music and then went back inside.The result: I never felt more like Bart Simpson in my life… the neighbors took down their “Punks not Dead” flag.
One Monday in July 2025, a baby deer made her way to our front yard and took a nap in my garden. I have never felt more proud in my life, and I have never felt more seen in my life.
I was completely inspired and felt 100% reassured that this was the life I was supposed to make for myself. I begin to think about the cosmos flowers in our garden. My favorite flower is the Cosmos. The victorians decided the flower represented joy in love and life, and in 2014 I decided a tattoo of a cosmos would be the perfect reminder to myself throughout my struggles in the world. In 2020 I started to literally sow cosmos seeds. In 2023 I was yelled at for growing cosmos seeds. In 2025 I experience joy throughout my love and life now more than ever before. I feel calm and hopeful about branching out, I want to grow cosmos in honor of the adversity I’ve faced since getting that cosmos tattoo. I want to always grow more joy in love and life.
As the deer napped in our front yard and the sun started to set our neighbors chatted and gushed over how cute and perfect our yard was for a nap. One neighbor said we should name the fawn “sunny” since she was sleeping among the sunflower sprouts. Later that week, there was a gorgeous rock sitting in our garden. The rock was painted to look like Sunny the fawn taking a nap!
This yard is for the soft souls! I never felt more like myself in my life…
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